John Shuttleworth

A recent health scare (a mild bout of sciatica) has made 'Sheffield's finest singer/songwriter' (The Times) focus on his mortality, and the many things he needs to do before the inevitable move into a hospice: watch 9 editions of 'Flog It' and 16 editions of 'Cant Pay, We'll Take It Away!' on his TV box, not to mention perform numerous DIY tasks for his wife, Mary.

And what of John's unfulfilled showbiz dreams - will sole agent, Ken Worthington pull out the stops and make John a star before his retirement, or must John take matters into his own hands and telephone the stars himself - conveniently using up the credit on his newly topped-up mobile phone?

At the same time - as befits a man living on borrowed time - John considers Life's major issues: the massive rise in popularity of hi viz protective wear, the suitability of the plastic lid on takeaway coffee cups, and the excitement he felt when sucking his first mint: 'It gave my tongue activity, as the mint's flavours bore into me, turning my grey world azure blue - I remember my first Polo, do you?'

As well as hilarious new songs, expect all the favourites: 'Two Margarines', 'I Can't Go Back To Savoury Now', 'Mutiny Over The Bounty', 'Y Reg' plus many more. And at the end of it all, a big questions remains: who should John donate his organs to, or should he just sell them on Ebay?