Dawn French

30 Million Minutes consists of various delights and riches, with the odd irksome tribulation thrown in, as Dawn takes audiences through the various lessons life has taught her, and the things she knows for sure.

Book for this show now, because Dawn French is convinced it won't be long before she is far too doolally to perform it.

The evidence is there for all to see. She is already three quarters certifiably daft. The other quarter is utterly bewildered. And the remaining quarter simply can't do maths. With a sharp eye for comic detail and a wicked ear for the absurdities of life, Dawn French of Cornwall shares how she has misguidedly spent her whole life vigorously attempting to be a fully functioning female human.
Her extraordinary lack of willpower, combined with an enviable knack for nosey parking and showing off, has driven her to grapple with the big stuff of life in public. 30 million minutes of life in fact. That's how long she's been alive.

It's also worth coming if only to finally witness what size she actually is. Can we believe the stolen images of so many women's magazines? What is the truth? Is she so unfeasibly large that she can hardly live? Or does she sleep in a matchbox? Marvel at how one woman can mercilessly murder so much chocolate, and yet remain so curiously slim...

As a big fat liar once said of her: "Her singular attempt to be ordinary fails miserably."